JACKSON: Dad. Have you ever had a cut on your tongue? You can't use a band-aid. What can you do for a cut on your tongue?
He sticks his tongue out. There will come a day when, in spite of your intricate philosophies and lofty moral codes, your eyeball will be inches from a 10-year-old’s tongue. You will wonder if there are any substantial cultural contexts inside of which the events of your life might find ground to cohere and mean something beyond their apparent absurdity. There is nothing on the boy’s tongue. Sometimes I think Jackson invents physical ailments to complain about; this is not unlike several women I have dated. For example, Jill. There’s nothing wrong with your shoulder or knee apart from you being a bitch.
BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: There’s nothing to be done. Take comfort in knowing that rapid healing occurs in the mouth. The only cure is forgetting. Forget about it and it will heal before you know it.
JACKSON: I don’t believe you.
BHJ: I have been entrusted by Powers greater than us to help you navigate the path from boy to man. The path is rife with peril and snares abound. Why would I lie to you?
JACKSON: You’re just not an entirely honest person.
BHJ: Slander! Back up your accusation with sound examples or expect swift and severe retribution.
JACKSON: You told Lucy that women get pregnant when they pick blue tulips during full moons and then there’s Santa—
BHJ: No. Stop right there, buddy. I said that picking blue tulips during full moons causes a choir of fireflies to sing praises. It’s the choir of fireflies that inaugurates the pregnancy. Not the tulip picking. Get your facts straight, esquire.
JACKSON: But you’re lying, Dad. When a man inserts his penis into a woman’s vagina—
BHJ: Good Christ what are they teaching you in that school? Are your pockets brimming over with rubbers and needles?
JACKSON: My point is that you’re not always truthful. Like your blog. Your blog is full of lies.
BHJ: They’re not lies you wretched little Realist. Some of it happens concretely. Some of it happens in imagination. But it all… happens.
JACKSON: But Dad! Your imagination isn’t real—
BHJ: Of course it’s real. It’s as real as the scratch on your tongue. It’s as real as this conversation, which, according to your paltry ontological assumptions, never really happened.
JACKSON: What?
BHJ: I imagined this, Jackson. Surprise! We’re in la la land right now. There’s fairies and Gods and magic beans. Dead people speak and it rains M&Ms. You’re arguing against the reality of the imagination INSIDE my imagination. And even though it’s not “real”, here it is. It’s happening. On this blog. Thousands of people are reading this. It is real. In fact, when you think about it, this conversation is actually realer than the boring old conversations we usually have. No one hears those. If our real conversations happen in a forest and nobody’s around to hear them, are they even real conversations at all?
JACKSON: Dad. This is making my head hurt.
BHJ: Yeah but how’s your tongue?
JACKSON: Hey! It doesn’t hurt. My tongue! It’s healed.
BHJ: You’re damn right it is. Your Dad's no liar.
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47 comments:
It's all about perspective, and fairies, and M&M's. Totally.
I would much rather have that conversation than the ones I have every day.
brilliant... you're pure genious. Do you teach parenting classes? Really. I could use a little of your magic.
My tongue stopped hurting while I was reading this.
I think I need a smoke.
(that was good)
But....
dead people do speak.
Most folk just don't have the language.
thanks for clearing up the facts of life explanation for me...I am all set to go with that chapter of Woman's Business Time chats with the 9 year old.
>> I have been entrusted by Powers greater than us to help you navigate the path from boy to man.
Fecking awesome.
Realer words have never been written.
Wow...how much does 'the good shit' cost? And can I have some?
oh jesus, I am laughing so hard I can't even come up with a comeback. ("You're not an entirely honest person." ) oh, HE'S GOOD.
Fantastic BHJ! My favorite part?
"BHJ: Good Christ what are they teaching you in that school? Are your pockets brimming over with rubbers and needles?"
Totally off the subject...suck on a Tums. It coats the tongue and stops bleeding.
So maybe that's what I'm doing wrong, it's blue tulips not weeds.
You're completely insane. In the best possible way.
That, sir, was impressive. One day he will come to appreciate that, long after you're cold and dead, but he'll appreciate your efforts.
So, Kate, has Jackson figured out yet that you really sit to pee?
Damn...I'm going to start taking acid again and read this.
Fucking blue tulips and fireflies. *That* is how I got pregnant and here I thought it was all about the penis and the vagina. I'm never going near blue tulips again and I vow to you that I shall rip every ass off every firefly next spring and use it as jewelry in retrobution for my pregnancies. Damn. I'm so glad you told me the truth. :D Btw, glad to be back reading you again. I could not pass up "Wind In Your Vagina" and "Tongue". :D
tongue cuts SUCK. and you're awesome. seriously. totally forgot about my raging sore throat while i was reading. does that make me a bitch?
Amazing.
I aspire to grow up and fall into your mind. your writing restores my faith in ... well, everything.
When I was in high school, a friend of mine once opined (albeit in a maryjo induced high) that all thoughts that we have actually occur in an alternate universe. At the time I thought it prophetic. Now I just like the thought.
Of course, that means that I have witnessed several terrible auto accidents involving the asshats on the road that constantly piss me off, but in general it's a nice thought...
I almost forgot the pain caused by truckin through another one of your dillusion posts because of the pain caused by truckin through another one of your dillusion posts. Didn't quite do the trick though. Gimme another one to numb the pain caused by the pain inflicted upon me by reading this one.
I wasn't going to come here today because I have work to do - but I glanced at my blog list and saw the words "Vagina" and "Tongue" right next to each other, which has some kind of magnetic effect on me. Not trying to be perverted. I'm just saying.
wow, i just would've made him put ice on it.
May it be so easy when you have to help him heal his first broken heart.
I'm squashing every firefly that crosses my path, SQUASHING!
Way to get all elasticky on reality's ass.
I love how the mundane leads to the magical in your posts. You're king of that, seriously.
That cut on Jackson's tongue may be the beginning of his tongue splitting...into a forked tongue.
It happens.
And I saw a dead person two days ago, and thankthedearlord, he didn't talk. Whew.
Now if only conversations like these could be done over at the White House, we might not have such a difficult time with the rotten economy.
BHJ, how about you give them a quick lecture?
I'm going to have to remember this the next time the Little Imp bites her tongue. Well being that she's just a few short weeks from being 3, perhaps she's a bit young to get it...until then I'll just tell her to go watch Tinker Bell and her tongue will feel better.
Emma always says she's just letting her tongue breathe.
Oh, so I can throw away these pesky birth control pills then? I promise to stay away from all fireflies!
I love your blog. So I decided to leave you an award. Tell your kids how important that makes you, it's like a Emmy only better! Keep up the laughs, God knows I need 'em!
Just discovered this little place that could also be called "Gusts in Your Hoo-Hoo". I likey a lot. I may blogroll you, sir.
I'm still not sure if that was real or not, so I'm not sure if this comment is real or not. But it was a good read. That was real.
Thank you for constantly cracking me up!
That was... surreal.
Distraction is key. You are the master.
So well done.
Hello. I would like to retract my statement from Charles Dickens XIV, based on my recent three shrively, marvelous hours spent in the bathtub. Vonnegut is the best to read with no pants.
Thank you.
Also. I would like to comment on the hobo stick with red bandanna from that post. I like it.
Learn About Your Vagina
Answers to common questions about the female reproductive system.
RevolutionHealth.com
THAT IS AN AD THAT IS ON YOUR WEBSITE! gack! I am utterly in love with this journal.
I never (!) noticed the google ad. Is it always the same? Remarkable!
I had a really good time with Jack tonight trying to convince him that the word "stingy" is actually pronounced "sting-gee"- He had it right, and I said, "No, it's like the thing on a bee- YOU know. Stingy!" He said dubiously, "That's not what my teacher said..." at which point I rolled around on the floor laughing. It's kind of fun being a parent, yes?
I'm really enjoying your reality!
I wish there was a place where it really rained M&M's. That would be awesome.
"But you’re lying, Dad. When a man inserts his penis into a woman’s vagina—"
That's the point at which I simultaneously laughed and choked on my salami on wheat.
And tongue cuts are the worst.
Love blue tulips. Hate fireflies. Somehow, I still got pregnant. Twice.
My tongue hurts.
You've shone a light for me in suggesting that I could make up crazy conversations with my kids and then claim years from now that they all really happened.
I need to start strategizing for the next ten years of my life!
This is the same basic concept as punching yourself in the head in order to forget a pain in your toe. The moral of the story = More pain solves everything.
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