Value

Me & Jackson walk out back behind the house where I show him the Money Tree. The lower branches have leaves of ones & fives & tens. Higher, there are twenties & fifties. And at the top are tiny little buds bursting with hope to someday blossom into Benjamins.

BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: You see, Jackson? Money grows on trees. But it takes a lot of hard work to make it happen. Farming is a tough gig. God made it that way because Baby Jesus got tricked into cutting down a cherry tree by a snake. That’s also why girls get their periods, but more about that later. All I’m saying right now is that farming is a sweaty business, especially the early stages. First, we gotta plow & till the soil so as to make it rich with potential abundance. Then, we pick one of those dollars and—

JACKSON: Dad.

BHJ: Yeah let’s save the questions for after the lesson. I’m trying to teach you the value of a dollar and I’m not letting you take me into a labyrinth of digressions. So anyway, you plant the dollar into the fertile loam and—

JACKSON: But Dad.

BHJ: O my God what? You have to pee, right? Every time I get to teaching you the ropes, you have to pee. Are you allergic to wisdom? Knowledge make you pee? What?

JACKSON: It’s a cliché, the money on trees thing. But you’ve got it all wrong. You’re supposed to get all frustrated when I’m wasteful and tell me that money DOESN’T grow on trees.

BHJ: O I’m frustrated all right. You’re 10. You don’t even have pubic hair. So just relax. And prepare to learn.

JACKSON: Come on Dad. Why don’t you just tell the truth?

BHJ: What the hell are you talking about? Truth and I are lovers. Indeed, we are mirror images!

JACKSON: Dad. Parent Bloggers Network is giving away 3 iPhones to random bloggers who write about teaching their kids about money. That’s the only reason we’re out here. What could YOU possibly teach me about money? My grandparents set up a college fund for me & Lucy because everyone knows you squander every penny you earn.

BHJ (through grit teeth): Well if I won a FREE iPhone, I’d be saving 200 bucks now wouldn’t I? Perhaps you could just SHUT your mouth so I can teach you the value of a dollar and maybe win an iPhone.

JACKSON: But money doesn’t grow on trees, Dad. Can’t you at least admit—

BHJ: OK who sent you?

JACKSON: Who sent me?

BHJ: Who sent you here to thwart all my worldly efforts? I can’t even wake up and walk to the sink to brush my teeth without you throwing me a curve ball. Who sent you? Which of my enemies sent you?

JACKSON: Nobody sent me, Dad. I’m just saying. Money doesn’t grow on trees.

BHJ: OK fine Jackson. When I was your age I wanted a Schwinn Predator so bad I’m surprised I didn’t will it into existence with my desire alone. I made a huge poster with 225 stairs to a picture of a beautiful Schwinn Predator in the heavens. I wrote “Stairway to the Predator” across the top in fancy ass letters. And then I went out and mowed lawns. And mowed lawns. And mowed lawns. Every time I made a dollar, I wrote a green dollar sign on a stair. Until one day I finally got to march into the bike store and buy that Schwinn Predator with my hard earned $225. Is that the kind of sweat-of-my-brow story you’re looking for, Jackson?

JACKSON: Exactly. You had a goal, a reward. And you converted honest hard work into your reward. That sends a better message than a Money Tree.

BHJ: The Money Tree was awesome you little jerk. My blog revels in the imagination. Not a bunch of moralistic American work ethic drivel. Everybody’s parents told them that crap for years. But who in their right mind would want to work hard when they could have a freakin Money Tree?

JACKSON: I’m not sure you really understand what Parent Bloggers Network wants you to do. Let’s just refer your readers to Capitol One to help families learn about money management skills, including talking to kids about money.

BHJ: And then I better get my iPhone.

JACKSON: No. Dad. Then you’ll have a CHANCE to win 1 of 3 iPhones.

BHJ: O shut up Jackson.