Maybe Baby

I am at my brother Jeff’s place. The floor is an explosion of toys. It looks like the aftermath of a terrible storm that rained brightly colored plastic. Jackson is playing the Wii on a monstrous flat screen. Lucy is playing with her fraternal twin cousins, Mortimer & Esther (these names are made up because not everyone in my family wishes to be associated with me; it’s a long story and this is not the place but it was only a couple thousand dollars jeez). The twins are only a year and a half old so Lucy is feeling all big sisterish. She keeps pinching them because their wails are music to her ears.

BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: Remember when you were trying for 7 years to have a baby?
JEFF: Shut-up. I know where this is going.

Lucy skips by with a roll of duct tape.

BHJ: Remember how awkward it was when you couldn’t have kids and Jenna got pregnant with Lucy on accident and I was all freaked out?
JEFF: I don’t think you’re funny.
BHJ (nodding, smiling, shit-eating): Well you’ve finally got kids. What’s your assessment of fatherhood, big brother?
JEFF: No comment. My wife reads your blog, butthole.

Esther rips the lid off her sippy-cup and makes a big red Miro on the grey carpet.

BHJ (holding up a book): You know, back when you were trying so hard to have a kid, I bet you would’ve found a lot of relief in reading Maybe Baby by Matthew Miller. It’s about a guy and his wife who can’t have kids. But they want kids super bad. So there’s a bunch of conflict and junk.

JEFF: Are you doing a book review in my house?
BHJ: No. It’s on my blog.

(It is both on my blog AND in my brother’s house. This odd textual space creates a strange atmosphere akin to being stoned. Mortimer spits up on your shoes. Now even you’re involved. It’s really trippy. Sorry about your shoes.)

JEFF: I can’t believe you’re doing a book review in my house.
BHJ: Why are you being such a dick? I said I’d pay you back after my kids get out of college. Stop letting money destroy your relationship with your only brother. Now, please, ask me about the book. In a natural way.
JEFF: Alright OK. Tell me about—
BHJ: No. More natural. Try to include "Parent Bloggers Network" in blue.
JEFF: OK OK. So. Black Hockey Jesus. I understand you read Maybe Baby by Matthew Miller for Parent Bloggers Network. How about sharing your opinion regarding the aforementioned text?
BHJ: I didn’t like it.

Lucy gives Mortimer a lighter. Mortimer lights the curtains on fire. The curtains ablaze are beautiful in a way.

JEFF: Before, you said I would’ve liked it. But then you said you didn’t like it. Your review is riddled with contradiction, Black Hockey Jesus.
BHJ: Well, here’s the deal. I didn’t like the book in the same way that I wouldn’t like a book about gardening. Gardening’s not my thing. Infertility’s not my thing. When me & Jenna knock boots, the neighbors get pregnant. So I just couldn’t relate. I also thought the author was a little uppity in terms of dropping fancy brand names plus he smacked of one of those culture snobs. Like he has better taste than everybody else. Hey fucker. You can write your book without dissing Chilis & Nickelback. A lot of people love Chilis & Nickelback. Chilis queso dip is the bomb.

Jackson bowls the Wii controller loose from his hand and flings it into the TV—SMASH!

BHJ (cont): Plus let’s be honest. When parents hear people get all passionate and romantic about having kids, it’s hard not to smirk. When you don’t have kids, having kids is a rosy abstraction. Am I right, Jeff?
JEFF: No comment (see above).
BHJ: And then there was the masturbation issue. This dude was constantly whining about having to jerk off at the doctor’s office. I’m like c’mon. I will do that shit anywhere. Masturbating is fun anywhere you do it. It’s masturbating for Christ sake! You will never convince me that smacking it in a doctor’s office is degrading. The prostate exam. Whole different ballgame. Whacking off? Behind a bush. At the post office. Fun anywhere.
JEFF: Do you have anything positive to say?
BHJ: Aside from that, I loved it.

Jeff’s wife keeps asking us where Esther is. How the fuck should we know?

BHJ (cont): Seriously, I’m a writer and I know it’s a pain in the ass when people don’t like what you write. So I want to make it clear that this is a wonderful little book IF you’re in the infertility boat or you know someone struggling with this issue. You’ll form an intimate connection with Matthew Miller and he’ll be able to educate you in some areas and put your mind at ease in others. Also, when he’s not angry about masturbating at the doctor, he brings a refreshing comic flair to an extremely difficult situation. Order a copy for your impotent loved ones today.

*****

CONTEST CONTEST CONTEST!

OK. This is my first contest and I am PSYCHED! All you have to do is comment on this post and one lucky winner is going to win MY COPY of Maybe Baby.

Sorry about all the folded pages and notes. And frequently, you'll find an exclamation point in the margin. This means I shrieked when I read it. For instance, at one point the author converts his witness of a grieving family into his need to have his own family. It's like he saw the implicit love in their shattered grief or something. I didn't really get what the dead guy had to do with his infertility. Anyway, I shrieked (Jenna: "WHAT?!?") and jotted down an exclamation point.

Plus I covered the title page with notes for this review. For instance, it says in my incomprehensible scribble: "Talk W/Jeff", etc. It also says "Did I ever tell you about Mom & the lightning?", which turned out to be too obscene of a story to include in this review.

But if you win, I'll tell you all about Mom & the lightning. How can you resist the allure of this contest? Just leave a comment.

EDIT: The winner will be selected via random processes that emerge from chaos.

EDIT: Contest closes at 11:00 PM, Thursday night. You can enter as many times as you like. If you leave a comment, you are implictly saying that you want my copy of Maybe Baby. Leaving a comment that says "I don't want the book" is meaningless. It's like Seinfeld. A comment about nothing. Would you buy a lottery ticket and not want the prize? Of course you wouldn't. Only in Black Hockey Jesus World would a bunch of people enter a contest that they refused to win. You people make it frustrating to try and give stuff away. Shape up.

EDIT: Did that last edit sound scoldy? I'm sorry, Reader. I never meant to hurt you. Or scold you. I'm trying to give you a book. That I didn't do anything lewd to. I promise. BFF: BHJ.