Even in the most developed and advanced civilizations, we still require enemies. That’s why all these stupid rich people have developed all their stupid addictions. They actually create impossible situations to serve as challenges to overcome. How else are you going to explain an addiction to something stupid like gambling? Addiction is borne of boredom. But would we require an addiction to drugs or eating or shopping if we had real enemies whose asses needed kicking? Probably not.
These insights are the only context in which the recent developments in my master planned community can be explained. We have strife in the land of affluence. It’s crazy. First of all, there are 3 levels of organization in my community. There’s the whole community, there’s villages, and then there’s subdivisions inside the villages. We live in Northwood (a subdivision) inside the Willows (a village). People in the Willows tend to all get along. For instance, my people in Northdale have no beef with the people in Sunflower Estates, because we all claim Willows.
But it’s those little bitches across the street in the Gardens who need to check themselves before they wreck themselves. Gardens people are inferior people. Plus they’re dirty. I’m not even sure if they have indoor plumbing. Jackson’s not allowed to walk through the Gardens, even though it’s the quickest way to the park. And if a Gardens kid dirties up our streets by walking on them, best believe the Willows is bringing drama. We come equipped with game.
I know a lot of you are probably thinking: “Black Hockey Jesus. The people in the Gardens are just like the people in the Willows. You’re all in the same socioeconomic class and you’re all white. The only thing different about you is the side of the street you live on. You’re being ridiculous.”
Well that’s easy for you to say. I doubt you’d be singing the same tune if some punk ass little trick from the Gardens stole the first letter off the entrance to YOUR village. That’s right. I’m not even joking. Some little Gardens punk stole our “W” so now every time I go home I drive up in the Illows.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ILLOWS!?!
Listen. It’s not just a stolen letter. It's bigger than a petty theft that our association dues will cover. When you mess with someone’s name, you mess with their identity. Willow Trees are dope and you know this. How you gonna turn that shit to Illows and not expect payback?
My name is Black Hockey Jesus and I represent The Willows 4 life. This is my declaration of war on The Gardens. Flash me that W and show me where your love is at.
Press play & break it off, son.
EDIT: Thanks to Scott from caveat emptor for my new rap name: Ice Hockey Jesus. Gardens don't play with the IHJ.
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96 comments:
Beautiful. This is how I feel sometimes about the punk ass kids who graffiti with chalk on the sidewalk in front of my house. I mean, not how I feel in any specific way, I guess, just more in that I'm ready to throw down if it comes to that.
Anyhow, I've enjoyed meeting you tonight. Mr. Right has been talking in his sleep (about a secret), so I started whispering Black Hockey Jesus over and over again. Mr. Right's a lucid dreamer, so I believe it will enter his sub-conscious and be warped into weird and amazing things. I hope you don't mind that I've subscribed to your feed.
"We should get together and have some fuckin lunch"
Holy shit, you're weird. wonderful. WARPED! In you I've found all my good guy friends from college who rambled on about Pull My Daisy for 2 weeks straight. Damn, I miss those guys! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052100/
wow lots of layers there, and the video is gold. thanks for the chuckles.
So very, very, very white and suburban...lol
Kind of like in my daughter's room. The Sesame Street crowd gets all rough while the Disney set think themselves above the others, because you know, The Sesame's are from the STREET. I get ya, BHJ. W to the Illows. P to the eace.
Yo, yo, yo! You are f-ing hard, yo! Way to represent! And be moderately polite at the same time.
This is me, laughing hysterically. I was watching the video thinking, okay, just another white guy doing rap, but then the ending. Perfection.
And how am I only the 7th commenter?
I think the video says more than I ever could here...awesome
word...
Maybe punk-ass bitches should be livin' in the Ardens. I'm just sayin'.
*bows to the BHJ with a sideways 3 finger salute*
You da fucking man, yo.
That was just straight up awesome.
The answer is simple. Ain't nothin' but a G thang, catch my drift? It's the only right way to get back at those punks from the Ardens.
Hello, Black Hockey Jesus.
I'm with Scott. The G has Jackson's name on it. You could bedazzle it and make it a kick ass yard ornament..you and the neighbors could pass it around..if everyone does it noone gets in trouble.
Bedazzle the G. Lucy would have fun with that. You could pass it around from yard to yard, and people could pay you to remove it before they get fined by the neighborhood association.
You bad ass -
Those bitches from the Garden should be watching their backs -
and very nice that after you fuck em up you can take them to lunch -
I'm just wondering, are there more than 2 villages in your community? If there are you and your hommies might want to do a drive by of the others, looking for extra W's. 'Divide and conquer' is an old adage & somebody else might be feeding your feud to build themselves up.
Dude, I'm speechless.
You got mad skills dog. I thinks it be pay back time. Just liftin the G isn't enough. You gotta go bigger. Bedazzling would be a nice touch. You could take that one more step and add the bedazzled G to the illows. The Gillows. "come and get it. bitches." Or you could really piss them off by putting up Green Party lawn signs and plastic pink flamingos in all of their yards.
McDonald's drive thru signs by the driveway would also be great.
hold up. wait. even better take down some of your own letters, add their G, and make a bedazzled The "ill Gs"!
*throws up the W to represent*
i don't know... i kind of like the 'illows'.
Wow, kicking ass and...doing lunch. Only in Suburbia.
You never cease to entertain!
I think it's a double insult, because they're indicating that you be illin'.
I didn't play your little video...just stoppin in to say RIGHT ON to whoever got yer W!!!!!! *hahahaha!!!*** what a great sense of humor too...ILLows...*heeheehee!* welly welly welly welllll....missing a DOUBLE-you, are we, hmmmm....? Fun.
I'm envisioning a Sharks/Jets-style rumble in your future. But a rap version.
I haven't had enough coffee and I don't really know what I'm talking about...
Giveaway on my blog this week.
Iunno, 'tha ILLows' sounds kind of threatening, ya hurr?
At first, I thought this post was going to be about your love for our current president. Maybe he stole your W?
I totally thought the point of this was going to be some manifesto on how we need George W. because we need enemies. But that's not where you were going at all, was it?
Man, those Gs are harsh. 'Bout time you opened up a can of whoop ass. Show 'em who's the daddy.
P.S.: Am sending first aid kit, just in case.
Could be worse.....
an apartment complex I lived in had a spray paint graffiti(sp) artist who was putting their name on random crap, walls, sidewalks, and such..... but the kicker was the idiot kept misspelling his name. What a dumbass!
see...... it could be worse.... you could live anywhere else....
Bottle me up some of that. Please. That was hawt.
w w
w ww w
w ww w
w w
DAMN IT, JIM. Your comments section reformatted my "W"
Nah, man, see, what you need to do is steal their G. What the fuck is Ardens? That'll teach those disrespectful Gardens bastards.
I'm not quite sure what I just watched, but I will watch it again...and again. I'll also make sure others watch it. I have influence over about 12 people that I know of.
I do the whiteness that is Black Hockey Jesus.
Oh shit.
I meant to say I LOVE the whiteness that is Black Hockey Jesus.
Was that a Freudian slip or a typo?
What are you doing wasting all this time blogging? You need to make a demo and get it to Diddy.
Then you won't have to worry about those bitches in the Sub D. 'cause it'll be the thug life for you.
BHJ can make even the whitest residential development seem cool. Loved the video. ROFL. I think it's time for illows and Gardens to choose some colors.
That last line in your video is CLASSIC!!! Had me laughing for quite a long time.
This master planned community is a mystery to me. Are your wives call Stepford? At least they didn't steal the ow because then you'd just be the ills.
Dude. That's why we moved to the country!
Subdivision life will kill you.
Oh holy jesus on stick. Your rap was....um....rapalicious. It defies all normal wording.
You're freaky. But in a good way.
I'm not sure what to say. That was illuminating. And I hope they return the W. Thank you.
Fucking lunch- we used to call that a "nooner."
Oh SNAP!
Be careful, man. It is obvious that they are replacing their G with the W because they've hooked up with the penal system Wardens gang. Those bitches are crunk. DO NOT wear orange, keep your eyes open and your piece loaded.
Peace brother BHJ.
OK Mr. Blac Hockey War Monger.
Seems to me that you are going to need to start a malitia to help you with your sorted "wars"
The Gardens, Dooce....who is next? Don't say TentCamper...I can pee with the force of a firehose...you'd never get close to me.
I can't tell you how many times I have driven through soap suds, after the community fountain at the main crossroads gets soaped. It was pretty funny the first time, I guess.
I dare you to put a "P" where the "W" was.
Ooh, or replace the "W" with "Barry Man"
Would be hard to fit, but I've seen you do harder things.
I was struck with how much you sounded like Jeff Bridges in this video. Particularly the way he speaks in The Big Lewbowski.
Now, I am totally imagining Jenna screaming at Jackson that he is OUT OF [HIS] ELEMENT!
And not to be so weak as to seem like I'm attempting to prevent gang-related white-on-white violence, but couldn't someone have done this to advertise to the world that the 'Illows is tha Illest?
You should just assume this is the case and not allow anyone to put the W back.
Yes, a 'P' A giant, bedazzled 'P'.
Ack, somebody done stole mah "P" ideah already.
I got nothin'. Bah. Maybe a "D", but then you'd have to turn one of the L's into another D. Just a thought.
Shit... I didn't know your TRUE identity was Adam Yauch. How's the whole buddhist thing going?
You should steal their "G" and then you guys can be the Gillows and they can be the Wardens.
We have a subdivision called "The Arts" except they put the words too close together so it looks like "THEARTS". Dolts.
Before I leave a real comment, I have to ask. Is Kolbe still funny to us? Because if it's not, I totally have to think of something else to say.
Don't take forever to get back to me about this, please. Thanks!
I can see this going down like that battle scene between the Greasers and the Socs in The Outsiders.
Stay golden, BHJ...
I'm really into class wars.
Of course you know, this means war.
'Illows...hmmm sounds vaguely Beasie Boys to me.
Bedazzled G, major bling for BHJ. Slap that bling around your neck, you're Black Hockey Geezus. Or Old Honkey Geezer. Which ever you prefer.
Power to the Willows!
You are the weirdest blogger I know.
That rap is awesome. Don't worry about making money off your blogs it's only a matter of time befor some bad ass producer snatches you up.
Will I be seeing BHJ at Lollapalozza next year?
This is a little like the Sharks and the Jets no?
Great rap, but chill, it's nothing that a little spray paint won't fix!
THAT was bananas. I think the Beastie Boys would be proud. Way to represent.
Totally reminds me of a nursing home that was on the walk to my high school. It was called Golden Living. One day the sign outside read old Living.
Does anyone know if I am eligable for some sort of disability for living with someone who is clearly insane?, just wondering....
Thanks for making me laugh and for the birthday wishes! Made my day! I freaking love your site!
Jenna, I definitely think that if you don't get disability, you at least should win some sort of cash award.
Dude!! Dude!! I am laughing my ass off at this post right this very second. And the rap?! WTF?? That is awesome!
I hate my Master Planned Community because I'm that mom-you know, the one with a job who does her own housework and doesn't drive an SUV. But, I love That Girl for giving you the award cause otherwise I don't think I would've ever known of your greatness!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw
just sayin',
Oh, I am laughing because I can relate. We had some punk-ass kids in our neighborhood who kept tipping over our bus stop at the end of the driveway and my husband literally waited in his car at night with a baseball bat to catch them. He did. We avoided charges, and that's all I have to say about that!
Dad to Jenna,
You really do need to get BHJ back to his day job.....
most of the time, when I settle in to read you, Mr. BHJ, i play music. in the beginning it was all Dylan, because you were Dylan then. now, it's whatever I want.
not so much a comment as dude, expand your musical palate, ' cause Grace Potter's "Toothbrush and My Table" sounds sweets with some BHJ.
Steal their G and wear it on a big ol' chain like Flava Flav and then ride your kid's bike through their neighborhood real slow-like. I'd buy a ticket to that show.
Freaking hysterical video. Also love the rap name Ice Hockey Jesus.
Jenna - You must be eligible for something! Definitely talk to an HR rep.
I had so much to say, but it was all blown to hell at the last paragraph.
Now all I can think of is "Ice, ice, baby".
Dammit all to hell.
I was reading along thinking in my head, "BS. BS. BS" Because of the whole, "BHJ makes things up and doesn't really live in Dallas" business. But I guess, you fooled me (again), you DO live in the illows.
When I think of "W" I think of the Bush boy. I am counting the days until we are finally rid of George.
By the way Ice Queen is my daughter and just wanted you to know your secret is safe with me.
Even old ladies like me love your daddy blog and like to say vagina.
Bring it son. Do they really wear cut off shorts? That's sad. Real sad. Do they also wear socks with sandals?
I swear we should franchise this, just like the other big gangs. Here in my hood it is our Royal Oaks and those bitches over in Whyndham Hills.
Welcome to my blogroll!
Hey, I think you should steal both their G and their A and replace your I with them -- then you'd live in the Gallows.
See, what you've got to do is bust out the sly ninja action and rearrange all of their letters to be something like "dans rage" (You have a Dan on your side, right?) or "reds nag" or ... "dragens"... wait, that's cool...
"Dreg Nads!"
wait, damn, you need another 'D' for that. I guess "Reg Nads" is still pretty bomb hate material.
You'll always be Black Ice Hockey Jesus to me.
i can't believe i just read a comment about punk ass kids getting up with chalk... it's CHALK! sorry mom, but seriously- CHALK.
Now the W...i can understand. at the same time, isn't it a little sweet livin' in the illows? pretty ill if you ask me. not that you did...
some lil punk from across the street is gonna be wearing it like a hood ornament before the week is through. BET!
I hate to be the voice of reason here, because I am lovin' all of the Ardens stuff and 89 comments, yowza, but do you think it's possible the W just fell off?
illows? kind of gangsta. a soft gangsta.
I know your war, man.
I'm from The Ridge - and those posers from The Woods better not step foot down this street.
For realz.
(That's how you say it, right? For realz? For shizzle?)
that was AWESOME!
*sigh*
I love you.
Jesus,
Can she be so intimate? Or BH? Black?
While the Matronly blog is more Erma Bombeck than Heather Armstrong (the jury is out on who history remembers), the Matron herself lives in the 'hood.
Consider the well-heeled next door neighbor, a new father, about 9 months and 52 seconds out of prison.
Here is what the Matron hears at night. Nobody is white. Nobody is middle-class. Nobody is not without weaponry, cell phone and friend.
Woman on street: "GET THE FUCK OUT HERE YOU SMALL DICK BITCH. SMALL DICK BITCH! YOU FUCKING SMALL DICK BITCH. I KNOW THAT DICK. IT IS FUCKING TINY!"
Gangsta neighbor: "YOU FUCKING'HO. MY BOYS ARE GONNA RIP RIGHT THRU YA, FUCKING HO."
This heady intellectual exchange continues throughout the night. The Matron, at one weary point, considers thrusting her own head out the window and screaming: "Shut the fuck up you small clit bitch!" but she isn't certain anyone would understand.
Illows?
She's seriously worried about your safety. Now if only you can get a record label . . . .
Bro, wanna tour with us that was dope.
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