Enough about me. What about you? The readers! Are you a regular reader of The Wind In Your Vagina? Of course you are! Do you have a trippy life story filled with strange coincidences and unexpected juxtapositions? Of course you do!
To be featured in the Wind In Your Vagina’s Reader Spotlight, send an email to blackhockeyjesus@yahoo.com and blow my mind.
You know how I had my old buddy Gabe on the blog pitching his TuneUp software a little while ago? Did you download the software? I don’t see why not. You must love your iTunes library all a clutter.
Anyway, one of my readers sent me an email and revealed that she had a crush on Gabe back in the 9th Grade. That took the top of my head off. It made me reflect on the strange trippy nature of the WWW and the way it can shrink large chunks of distance and time into goofy relativity equations that only make sense to physics nerds.
So anyway I clicked a link in the email from the girl who was all hot for Gabe back in the 9th Grade and here’s a sampling of the things I discovered:
1). Her name is Havi Brooks.
2). She’s a Habits Educator (I’m not exactly sure either. Click her name.)
3). Her partner is a yellow duck named Selma.
4). She’s an expert in a form of yoga brain training (that looks like a kick ass martial arts form) called Shiva Nata.
Do you remember that post called Shiva Nataraja where me & Jackson made destroying a 7/11 look like a graceful form of yoga brain martial arts? Of course you do! Isn’t that trippy? Connections abound. First, the Gabe connection. Then, the Hindu God of Destruction connection. If I was some goofy 12 Stepper, I’d think meeting Havi Brooks was God’s Will or Meant To Be or some other crazy shit that doesn’t make sense.
The plot thickens.
BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: Havi Brooks. You’re a Habits Educator. You know yoga & love nature & stuff. Plus it’s your business to help people get unstuck out of unhealthy patterns. I have an awesome idea. Maybe you could help some of my psycho readers for free instead of charging them.
HAVI BROOKS [is so excited she’s speechless kinda]
BHJ: It’s like I would be Oprah and you would be Dr. Phil and you could oversimplify everything. But I don’t know about your yellow duck. It’s kinda weird.
HAVI BROOKS: Dude you talk to cats and your daughter’s imaginary boyfriend.
BHJ: I think we can work with the duck.
HAVI BROOKS: Well let’s try it and see what happens.
Did you hear that Readers? I now have my own cooler mysticaler version of Dr. Phil. Now all we need is your fucked up problems to solve. Leave them in the comments or send them to blackhockeyjesus@yahoo.com and me & Havi will fix you up with our two-pronged solution attack.
Example:
YOU: I can’t stop watching internet porn.
BHJ: You're a total freak ha ha ha.
HAVI BROOKS: Stretch. Breathe. Find a new hobby.
That was grossly oversimplified but you get the picture. Sending us your issues is the first step toward their resolution. Do it now. You’ve got nothing to lose except your same old same old.
I've given you plenty to do. Am I being too bossy? I don't mean to be. It's just enthusiasm. ENTHUSIASM. Let's review:
1). Send me reasons why you should be my next Reader Spotlight. It helps if you know famous people or if you died and came back to life or crazy shit like that.
2). You need to go check out Havi Brooks' website: The Fluent Self. Find out what she's about. She's a trip.
3). Shoot me an email with the subject "Black Havi Jesus", tell us about what the hell is wrong with you, and be prepared to be healed in the light of pure Being.
EDIT: If you shoot me an email but you want your public healing to be anonymous, that's cool. We're flexible. Like the wind...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
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44 comments:
I like the idea of a Black Havi Jesus, like the melding of two animals. Or Beanie Babies. A Princess Di Beanie Baby and a Roger Clemens Cy Young Beanie Baby. I forgot where I was going with this.
5:38am? Dude. Get some sleep. The internet public healing can wait ;)
This is going to be interesting. I hope this ride has seatbelts and sickness bags, cuz some people may just lose it.
Sorry, dude. I've learned my lesson. I never take life advice from someone named Jesus.
Hello, Black Hockey Jesus.
I like that you now have a weird, brain-training sidekick w/ a rubber duck. There's something just right about that!
Oh, Black honey Jesus..you clever, clever little mogul in training. Your thoughts and ideas are like original words spoken into virgin air..Prepare your inbox to be overloaded with bulk problems of the redneck kind. I'm so on it.
coincidence and synchronous events? definitely some of my favorite characteristics of this planet. have fun, i'll be reading along.
DR. BHJ you make my day, perhaps you'll want to give me feedback on my first sexual sensations..see my recent blog.
Reader spotlight?
You are a genius.
Unfortunately for your new venture, I have no problems. None. I am perfect beyond comprehension.
Just ask my therapists.
What? Why aren't people confessing their fucked up shit in comments?
I'm so fucking perfect it's going to be hard for me to come up with something that is wrong with me, but I'll try.
I know! I have a problem where I can't kick the habit of eating like a fucking asshole. I seriously need some help in looking hotter.
I have been sitting here for at least 45 min trying to decide which of my unhealthy patterns Black Havi Jesus could help me with after checking Havi's site out and I am stuck....
hum....perhaps therein lays the problem.
Oh - I can't wait to play! I'll be back later to join in. Right now I just wanted to let you know I'm having a contest this week! Have you entered yet? There's $50 up for grabs! Who can't use $50 in this economy??
I know what I need to do to fix my problems. Only I'm not fixing them. That's the flaw in the plan.
I have a serious problem, I have fallen totally in love with my dog. He and I have discussed marriage and I do have a real concern. If we have children, do we send them to a private or public school?
You are mi kind of blogger BHJ, not only do you update every freakin' day, you do so at the crack of dawn,so that we may wake up to the awesomeness that is the wind in your vagina.
I agree with heather (AKA the queen of shake-shake *bow to her*) How are people not confessing their shit on the comments to be viewed by all and analyzed by BHJ and his new brain training duck toting sidekick? I've logged on three times already and not much is happening.
I'll try and help get things moving... let's see i guess my bigest problem right now is compulsively reading not only this blog but many others which i might add are mommy blogs, when a) i should be working and b) i'm not married, don't have kids.
Also, i too eat like a fucking asshole.
Well, I have the same problem as Queen-of-shake-shake, though she looks plenty hot to me :)
But I just might muster the energy to throw you a sex problem email later on... cos that's what we really want to hear about, isn't it?
Hi BHJ, Here is my issue. I'm a new mom to a 5 month old boy. His Dad is a crazy, bipolar, gambling addicted, Vicodin swiller. He has recently been asked to move out my apt. complex for suspicions he is also drug dealer! Now, I'm glad he's leaving because he is obviously more of a liability than an asset. However, I'm pissed the my neighbors seem to have their heads up my ass. How do I tell them, "Thank you," and "Fuck off," at the same time?
Hey this is cool. Well, your problems aren't cool. You know what I mean.
Me & Havi don't really have a "plan" but I can see we're gonna need one. It's obvious that eating like an asshole is a problem. I had a Klondike Bar for breakfast.
Anyway, we'll get these (and future) problems laid out, see if there's any patterns, and completely solve all your issues. I'll try to get some sweet links from Havi's blog that address some of this too.
Thanks.
I uploaded a picture and post about shit[an expose', very tasteful i assure you] and became henceforth known as the Bogu girl in the maldivian blogosphere.
bogu = shit.
oh crap. i was supposed to email that eh?
oh well..
So I have to admit (for queen of shake-shake)after my earlier comment and check of Havi's site that I did try to talk to the rubber duck in my son's bathtub to see if it was as cool as Havi's. It wasn't.
AND, the fact that you guys "eat like fucking assholes" scares me. A LOT. Not really sure what that intails...sorry entails, but it sounds really scary. Can't wait to hear how you are helped with that. Who knows - maybe more of us do it and we just don't realize it. Thanks for coming clean with the issue!
I know what the hell that entails..it entails eating all the the "ingredient food" out of the fridge drawer that I planned on using in recipes for actual dinner..it entails getting up in the middle of the night and propping your body against the open refrigerater while you down the last half gallon of tea..it ENTAILS eating the last Klondike bar dammit!
So hold on a second...are you saying you would judge someone who watches internet porn?
You mean...you don't?
Hrmmm
handsthreerwe: For more information about eating like a fucking asshole go to: http://widelawns.blogspot.com/2008/01/are-you-eating-like-fucking-asshole.html
But really "That girl" pretty much nailed it.
yikes....I am afraid I too am guilty of occasionally eating like a fucking asshole.
What a cathartic day! Thanks Black Havi Jesus for starting us of right ~
You too Sofiko & 'that girl' for the explainations
Can you solve problems for those that don't have any problems? Hmmm maybe I can think of something? GREAT IDEA!!!
- Jennifer
You continue to amaze BHJ. Did you learn nothing from the 'tell me your best post' craziness. Do you have a thousand emails yet?
If you don't pick me, I'm going right to The Secret.
Please don't make me use The Secret.
I have to be honest here, the duck kinda freaks me out. Reminds me of a college roommate I once had, although her duck was stuffed.
She would change his outfit (including diaper) daily and buckle him into a seat belt in her car.
Can you say whack job?
She once came home to our dorm room to find it hanging by a noose from her top bunk.
She moved out shortly after that.
Bring it on, baby, bring it on. Heal the Internet, one blogger at a time.
The plot thickens.
I'm the same person with the nutso baby daddy. I'm anonymous for obvious reasons. I have another problem, BHJ. It's my cat. He's turned into a total asshole ever since I had the baby. He yowls and complains, scratches the walls, jumps on the changing table and counters, and tries to sleep on the baby. I have tried reasoning with him, but to no avail. It's a war I'm losing. I think the only solution is a nightly run to BK for a Whopper Junior for him. He likes those. Do you have any suggestions that are less high maintenance? No, I won't take him to the shelter or have him euthanized. He's a little bastard, but he's my little bastard.
Not nice Lisa. There's no duck abuse here at The Wind In Your Vagina.
hmm, what an idea. I should start a variation called Sleep Deprivation Ninja and Throwing Star:
You: I snack too much and hate myself
Sleep Dep Ninja: meditate and exercise more
Throwing Star: I can chop away your fat with one mighty strike. Hiyah!
Or maybe Sleep Deprivation Ninja and Baby:
You: I'm an alcoholic
Sleep Deprivation Ninja: You will never become a ninja if you do not master your body
Baby: Blahahah-murph-bugle-blaaaaah! (yogurt-like vomit flows forth)
Wow, so when you said your readers were psychotic and had issues, and I thought they weren't and you said I'm the one who should be locked up for talking to a duck and I thought you were the crazy one ... well it looks like we were both on target. By which I mean, I still think I'm right.
Never mind. What I'm getting from this is:
a. Everyone here is doing fine, thank goodness.
b. This could be fun.
Pretty much the only thing my duck and I wouldn't touch here is the whole "working on not being addicted to reading your blog" thing because *healthy* addictions (ahem, ones that we indulge in)? Not our area.
Self-reflection? I'll leave that part to you.
Also, I just posted a slightly more accurate -- but equally disturbing -- version of how the universe flung us together.
Bonus: Karate Kid reference.
Occasionally I think I'm a duck. I little yellow rubber ducky and I float around in the cesspool of life (aka The Office) all day long listening to sniveling idiots micromanage the shit out of every little detail and then the little yellow rubber ducky gets very angry and wants to hurt other little yellow rubbers ducky that she works with......
The Duck
What about a tune-up for macs?
Oh, I have tons of fucked up problems and a trippy life story. But why should I give you blog material?
Dear Windy Vagina,
My husband was recently laid off from work. At first I was all, "This shit is dope!" because it was fun to pretend we were on a vacation. But now I am seeing why honeymoons are typically scheduled for 1-2 weeks tops. There *is* such a thing as too much togetherness. And now my husband is living out the typical unemployed cliche of getting extra pissy with our annoying kids for no reason, being too distracted to remember anything and then acting like I never told him this shit in the first place, and getting depressed. FUCK. What the bloody hell am I supposed to do? I can't conjure up a job for him! And I realize that at some point a person runs out of jobs to apply for, but it makes me feel stressed when he takes a nap or watches a movie during the day. Because I am unfair and cannot allow him to wallow in his misery -- that is MY indulgence, you know?
I forget what my original question was.
Pick me! pick me! I'm not super witty on my own, but I collegt t-shirt slogans like the one that says, "Schrodinger's cat is alive" on the front and, "Schrodinger's cat is not alive" on the back and the Math League shirt that says, "If you were a function I would be your asymptote, you can approach me all you want but we'll never be equal" and one that says, "Dude, you're makin' my paradigm coagulate!"
K... my problem is... 1) I obviously can't follow directions because I am posting it in a comment rather than e-mail it to you and 2) all these people that I don't remember keep adding me as a friend on facebook and I feel too guilty to say "no" even though my only thought about them is "who the hell are you and why don't I remember that you sat next to me for three years in AP English in high school?" (See how people who were in AP English always have to mention that? I hate those people. Like me, the ones who were in AP English.)
I don't take advice from the Jesus because he speaks in parables, and they don't always make sense to me. Really? Kill an olive tree because it has no fruit?
Plus, I'm not sure about the Havi and her yellow duck. Good Cop? I don't think so. No way. I've seen evil ducks kill.
That being said, can I still be healed in the light of the BHJ?
Habits to break? Why would I want to do that? Then they aren't habits, dude.
Count me in. I am going to blow your mind with my trippy life. As a tease: I Noble Prize winner told me I was a pretty little thing.
I was also propositioned for prostitution in Russia.
I also just got published for my scrapbooking skills. You put that together.
No duck abuse? What if you have an I Rub My Duckie?
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