From: blackhockeyjesus@yahoo.com
Subject: BLACK HOCKEY JESUS IS THE SHADOW ON YOUR HORIZON.
To: dooce@dooce.com
Dooce:
I know a little something about psychology and I’m pretty sure there’s a portion of you that gets sick to your stomach reading through 1000s of emails with their tongues in your vagina. Each one steals a little piece of you, no?
You know you’re awesome. You don’t need praise. That’s why I’ve written to tell you I’m coming for your head.
But only figuratively. Do not contact the authorities, Dooce.
Awesome people need awesome enemies. And you are in the process of meeting your match, fair Mormon. Let’s take a look at our Technorati Ranks.
Dooce: 48
Black Hockey Jesus: 42,127
That leaves you about 47 places to hide. I’ve chosen to confront you early on so you can appreciate the magnitude of my prediction. And also so you can remember how boldly I made it long before I was even close to surpassing you.
I love you in the way I love to surmount impossible challenges.
Friends in Aristocratic Nobility:
Black Hockey Jesus
___________________________________________________
JENNA: Didn't Dad Gone Mad Danny Evans tell you to stop bugging Dooce and to just write solid posts with solid content?
BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: Yeah. What's your point, reasonable one? Before you answer, your beautiful face shocks me right out of conventional reality. I want to stop time and do lewd things to you.
JENNA: Just wondering why you're sending crazy ass emails to Dooce and then posting them on your blog?
BHJ: Didn't I just divert your criticism with flattery?
JENNA: No.
BHJ: I wasn't gonna post it. But MetroDad dared me. He told me Dr. Dre would do it.
JENNA: MetroDad dared you? Wait a second. Are you telling that my husband is making new friends in a circle where a guy named Dad Gone Mad is the mature one?
BHJ [is silent because the answer is "yes" and Dad Gone Mad thinks farts are funny]
JENNA: Would you jump off a bridge if MetroDad DARED you?
BHJ: Probably.
JENNA: I'm done speaking to you for the moment.
BHJ: Daddy Bloggers flinging themselves off bridges. You're telling me that's not a good time?
JENNA: I said I'm done speaking to you for the moment.
Posts
90 comments:
This is better than coffee. I'm wide awake now..
I just had to do the heimlich on myself, dude. I think droppin' the gloves with Dooce is fantastic, just be careful. Her fans are legion. Watch the rear-view when you're out of the house. If you notice more than the usual amount of higher end SUV's behind you, just run. Fight another day. We don't want to lose you.
What a wonderful, beautiful way to start my fair - Be safe, warrior!!
You can DO IT!
I don't know captain dumbass, Dooce may have the loyal, huge ass suv driving,fancy handbag carrying, sushi eating crowd..but BHJ? He's got the rest of us..that's right, po'folks, rednecks, struggling students, young angry dads, the kind of people that are reading Dooce's product recommendations going "WTF!? You want me to spend $160 on a print for my living room?!? What about the necessesities Dooce? Like electricity? DSL? cheetos? bud light?".
I think if BHJ should find himself surrounded by loyal country club Dooce followers he should get on the horn and call in for back up. THAT would be a good time.
you know, i think it's sort of honorable to be all up front and honest about coveting your internet neighbor.
s'true though. you might want to watch your BHJ back. I'm guessing it's an unmarked canvas just ripe for the armies of overly-concerned Doocifiles to whip. Cause lord knows if Dooce is the overlord of the internet, then that makes her fans the angry, angry Derfs. (dooce + serfs = Derfs. Wikipedia said so.)
Good luck w/ your Dooce domination. Hsr site is ok--but I really don't see what all the fuss is about.
Go, BHJ, go!! You broke 40,000 on Technorati!?
Rock on BHJ, rock on!
Just so we can enjoy the sweetness of your upcoming victory with you can you please explain what technorati is??
I like when she tells people to eat around the white stuff.
Oh BHJ, Dad Gone Mad is right. This makes you look needy. You don't need to pick a fight with Dooce. Just kick the black snake and write.
Meh, she's OK. But she never lets people comment. Gives her a holier-than-thou-must-not-consort-with-the-masses attitude. But I'm a hypocrite-- I still subscribe to her feed, just like everyone else does.
Can you imagine the shitload of emails she probably gets?
But I bet yours are her favorites.
Thanks for re-posting the trampoline vid. I've missed that butt crack.
And I have to admit that I see the wisdom in Dooce not allowing comments. She certainly can't respond to them, and that's the whole fun of comments, isn't it? Interaction with the blogger?
You need a new hobby, man.
I check your blog every morning. I don't get around to Dooce well until late afternoon, sometimes evening. You are way more entertaining than her.
The real question is, are you trying to get her to email you, or are you trying to overtake her in the technorati rankings?
Either way, I can't help but feel like you're a dog chasing a car. Sure, it's fun to watch, but what happens when the car stops, and the dog finally catches the car? Is it like that Far Side cartoon where the car is on its roof and the dog is humping it? Does it make your journey complete, forcing you to leave blogging lest you taint your legacy by trying to come back with the Denver Broncos? Do you become a mormon? Do you start posting decorating tips and pretentious zoomed in shots of whothefuckknowswhat?
Quo vadimus?
I like the trampoline video with slo-mo and "Alive" as the soundtrack. It makes it almost... poignant.
I've never read Dooce, but I have this theory. Dooce IS personal blogging. Her popularity will only decline when the whole medium fades. I have no idea if this is true, but it makes sense to me. Attack her at your own peril, I say.
Also there is this: It's all a question of demography. I doubt your Venn diagram intersects much with hers.
But then, who the hell am I to say? I don't even know what a Venn diagram is.
Hello, Black Hockey Jesus.
I have 148,000 places to hide... doesn't that make me more versatile and thus more powerful than Dooce?
Also, Scifi Dad, the dog wasn't humping the car, he was just standing atop it in exhultation. But BHJ would totally hump the car.
I *heart* Jenna. She is my kinda gal. That being said, good luck and may the internets spare your soul.
I'm dizzy afer watching you flip on the trampoline a million times.
I've never really read Dooce. I think I checked her out once and wasn't impressed....but I know she's supposedly the blogging goddess. I personally LOVE Pioneer Woman.
I love the challenge in your email to Dooce though. Scary, but funny.
Please Note People:
I think what Dooce has done is super power awesome. She started writing a blog and now look. So I'm not looking to tear Dooce down.
Dooce is proven. Bad mouthing her is just sour grapes.
All I'm doing is pointing my baseball bat to the bleachers like Babe Ruth (or some baseball guy) used to do before he smacked a home run.
And I'll worry about what to do after the home rum AFTER the home run, SciFi Dad. Christ. I don't know. I'll cross my arms and say "Damn it feels good to be a gangster".
Sounds like a good time- the First Annual Daddy Blogger BASE Jumping Festival.
So then, you're definitely not going to hump her?
It's all in good fun...right? This isn't a Kramer vs Kramer thing where I have to choose is it?
If I must remain inside your Far Side metaphor, yes, I'll hump her.
No fear: There's room in this world for Dooce and BHJ. ANd if it makes you feel any better, I won't even check my Technorati rating. One: because I don't know how. Two: Because, dammit man, I can't handle the truth! Thanks for the laugh.
Christ on a stick BHJ, you leave me laughing my arse off once more.
Thank you. I needed a little laughter today.
Cheers & keep up your relentless pursuit of Dooce. It won't be long I'm sure. ;-)
Wait, did I just get you to agree to be restricted in some way?
Do I get a prize for that or something?
So over her and on to you, seriously.
How can Dooce possibly ignore you now? That video is freaking awesome. I want a trampoline.
Your my hero! Someone had to take her down
YOU, my friend, are LITERALLY flipping crazy. Go git her, big boy :)
Well... if Dr. Dre would do it, then you so had too. Duh.
OMG...you are too much! This is like the Dave Letterman - Oprah challenge. Hey, it could work if you don't piss her off too much. Just sayin'. Great blog!
Ha! There's a problem w/the trampoline video. After you showed it last time, you publicized your purple ball sack on DGM's site. Now, we cannot watch you flopping around on that trampoline without TERRIBLE VISUALS going thru our head. I'm sure Dooce feels the same and that's why she has yet to reply to your emails!
Dr. Dre WOULD do it. Excellent.
You inspired me to check my technorati stats, not good. So I guess I'll live vicariously through you.
Go get her.
I'm starting to wonder if my technorati rating will skyrocket if I take YOU on, BHJ. It's really too bad I don't know what a technorati rating is. At any rate, Black Hockey Jesus, it's on.
(you're just my mini-boss, btw. I'm going for Amalah)
Climb that mountain, BHJ (and I mean that purely figuratively). So what boosts your technorati ranking? Doesn't linking have something to do with it? Which means, you need all of us in your ascent. There's some kind of beautiful symbolism there. I think?
From what I've read about BlogHer Dooce may have left her sense of humor in San Francisco. But great good luck hitting one outta the park dude!
Dear BHJ:
Your obsession with Dooce has reached heights that have become unsafe. You're showing yourself on a ledge, teetering dangerously, and you're about to fall.
Dooce is a nice package, she's well - groomed, and she has a large following. But that doesn't make for someone to love and covet.
You need to move forward from this obsession and find something else to focus your attentions on. Leave behind your salivating desires for a woman of the web and find yourself seeking out your wife and focusing your attention on her. She deserves it. Write her an e - mail. Love her.
Sincerely,
psYchO - logist preTzel
PS Nah, I don't mean none of that. Just keep on keepin' on. One day Dooce will be yours to rule - then your wife will pinch you and you'll wake yer arse up!
LOL! This is great. I read the BHJ every morning and the Dooce every afternoon. I think the idea of the 2 of you sparing off is hilarious! Very entertaining.
Thanks for making me laugh.
wow, this was only slightly less pathetic when bossy did it last year.
I foresee the following situation: someone tips off Dooce about this post, then she comes here to skim it for the gist (since time is ad clicks), and she gathers that some dude calling himself Jesus is raving about "tongue in your vagina", "do not contact the authorities", "magnitude of my prediction", "surmount", and in the comments he adds something about chasing her down in a car and humping her.
Then we will all find out where you live from the letters on the policemen's uniforms as they help you through your perp walk live on CNN.
I just got this hilarious picture of you and dooce's chance meeting and you trying to hump her real quick! LOL Please, please have some record that!
And, I didn't get the impression you're trying to bash her - she's very funny sometimes, I just feel a little outa place when she starts showing me products that I'll have to snatch from savings to buy.
BHJ, you are so human. awesome.
The only thing I know about 'dooce' is that she was fired for blogging at work, once upon a time. What a dumbass thing to do, if your employer is like that. (Some are cool and don't give a flying monkey if you blog, shop, or patronize pr0n sites at work! *heh* )
Anyways.
You aren't required to like everyone in the world, so if you don't like dooce, that is totally your business and totally valid. We all have our not-so-favorite blogs, and we visit them now and then to feel superior, smug, and just way more hip than whoever the blog-writing doofus is that we're condescending to read.
Here, for instance
http://www.mywardrobetoday.com/
Not only is this chick completely boring, with maybe 6 outfits that she just repeats over and over and over, now she's gone and got herself knocked-up.
Dumbass.
I used to comment there, but since the comments weren't all gushy and lovey and praisey, they got deleted. Now, all comments have to be approved by the blog-writing numbskull. So you can imagine.....I really got to this chick. With words. Just words, man.
So whatever your thing against dooce is, I have full confidence that you will one day be satisfied. The only thing worse than needling a blogger with constant negativity is to just stop reading that blog. *hahaha!* Victory is already yours!
NEWSLETTER FIFTY-FIVE
Dear BHJ,
It seems like only yesterday you were a spry, little blogger and know you have catapulted like the black snake under your desk to the black star under MY desk. And mine is bone mahogany! Can I just finish my game of Wii first? Crap! Now I have to write.
Cheers,
Dooc-- (I mean, PAPA, PAPA,...)
p.s. tongue in cheek, guys. tongue in cheek.
And then when you've reached the summit, what will you do?
Dooce is a pioneer. She makes money at blogging unlike the other99% of bloggers. She is in so deep with The Man that she can give away Wii's. I give her credit on all those fronts.
But you know, dude, I just don't find her stuff interesting. It's not entertaining. It's not enlightening. It's not even cute in a Sweet 'n' Low way. It just is ... there. So, sue me.
Just because Pat Boone made more money on "Tutti Frutti" doesn't make him more talented than Little Richard.
And next time you top my post on DadCentric, I cut ya.
Peace, brother ...
Anonymous says I'm better than Bossy. Leave Bossy out of this, Courageous.
Dooce rules all. One day we're going to come back to this site and it's just going to be gone. No record of it whatsoever.
BHJ - none of these people know, do they. About you, and Dooce. Your awful secret. Who you REALLY are.
Those of you reading this: remember "Fight Club"? Tyler Durden? Think about it. Have we EVER seen a picture of BHJ and Dooce together?
Dooce WISHES she looked like BHJ.
Is it "doosh" or "doos"? or "dewce"? I hope I'm pronouncing it correctly. gee whizzz BHJ you certainly have a lot of response here! carry on!
I think it's straight up and right to declare such lofty goals publicly. Not that know they are lofty except for the information you've given. I must be one of the 2 that don't follow the Dooce. yawn....it's boring to be alone in a crowd.
Funny as shit! What is this going be? Unbreakable 2-Blog domination
Um - that ranking thingie? Mine says 16,875.
What the hell does that mean???
Tried to leave you a comment yesterday...new reader...found you from Dad Gone Mad's site. It didn't work for some reason. (probably user related)
You are deep!! I am strangely fascinated and intrigued....
I see how this rivalry can be so amusing, after considering my past spat with BHJ. Who wouldn't want to have a blog that "everyone" follows and that can score enough income so you don't have to work? You wouldn't want work to get in the way of blogging anyway.
To me, dooce is insipid drivel. It inspires nothing in me. BHJ (among other) writes with a witty style than is beautiful to read and highly amusing. I only wish I had that much talent.
BHJ has only been at this for a few months. But if the quality of writing stays consistent, it'll only be a matter of time before BHJ has exceded all expectations. That, or the lucky bastard will be too busy to blog because he's working on a major book deal.
...and the votes are in on your trampoline perfomrance.
The judge from Turkey gave you a 10.0. She applauded during your whole segment, does she know you or something?
The judge from Salt Lake City, however, gives you a 2.0. Something about not believing you could move that slow and stay airborne for so many seconds. Said you're probably doing steroids. I think she's just jealous that you will catch up to her, a thousand points at a time.
Wow, some of your readers kind of suck.
For those of you not totally aware that I was just joking about taking on BHJ, let me say, explicitly, "I was just joking about taking on BHJ".
I don't even LIKE blogging.
oops. that really was meant to say "suck at detecting sarcasm". In my head, I wrote the whole thing out. I guess the other thing works too, though.
I honor your quest. To support you in your journey, I will not subscribe to dooce. And don't forget to pack some throwing stars. She won't see them coming from you.
\m/
I think you need a restraining order. No. I think you WANT a restraining order. Perverted. But in a funny way.
Go get'em, fireball!
there's nothing left of dooce except for the smoking pit created when Jenny stood up and smote her.
What if people want to stick their tongues in your vagina? Hmm, wait, that's just downright disgusting.
Why not take her on? She's from Utah for chrissakes! Hmm, wait...there's lots of mormons out there.
Go MetroDad with the Peer Pressure!
You know he did it to get Dooce to eat you alive so his own Technorati ranking would go up...
I'm rooting for you...the couple times I visited Dooce's blog the comments were closed...What is there a closing time or a maximum amount per day-tough life!
I never said you were better than bossy.
I said this kind of stunt was kind of pathetic when bossy did it last year. And I said that you were even more pathetic for doing it now, a year later, in a much less creative manner. all I'm really saying is if you're going to try to attract this kind of attention to yourself, you should try to be a little more original.
I found your blog after seeing your comments on a thousand other blogs. I suggest you spend less time fluffing other bloggers and start actually writing posts worth reading before you set out to unseat someone who has worked hard for many years to establish a large following. you have such a sense of entitlement with no apparent talent to back it up. you're like a retarded kid who thinks he's going to play professional basketball. it's really kind of sad.
If a retarded kid was going to play professional basketball, I'd buy that ticket.
I'm just sayin'.
Last dare I had from MetroDad required 7 stitches and $500. That's awesome.
Can't say I've ever read Dooce. Never heard of her. Good thing though, I tend to break out in hives around Morons (or Mormons if you'd rather). Something about my heathenish ways.
I do read you though.
'Nuff said.
Anon. Would love the chance to assess your writing skills beyond your tendency to leave chicken shit anonymous comments and load my page over. And over. And over. And over.
See you later. You'll be back. Every. Single. Day. Something strangely attractive about retarded people on the margins.
You are out of control brotha!!!!!
I love it!
If dooce's legions surround you, just throw some prozac at them. As they dive for them like kids diving for pinata candy, you can make a run for it.
Hilarious! I was thinking about taking her on myself but then I chickened out.
You will be followed by little blonde peoples.
Don't worry, I'm right behind you at number 4,553,524 on Technorati. Sweet, I'm actually ranked in the world.
NOW we know why dooce feels her life is in danger.
Dude, I'm 436,254 on technorati. The way I see it, you have a kickass-chance right here. Go pwn some dooce. You have vaginal breezes on your side.
Dammit BHJ. You made me love you with this post.
And the flipping video is permanently entwined with Pearl Jam forever and tatooed in my cerebral cortex. Or something.
Hey BHJ_
I must say, it's kinda funny that "anonymous" feels confident enough to write such a tough response, but is too pathetic and scared to use her name (I bet it's Dooce)... I bet she reads you every day.
@ Anon...Give us your URL badass. Otherwise STFU.
Good God, it takes me a good two hours to read through your comments. I've gotten up, showered, poured a second glass of wine (OK, squirted it from the box) and they're still going on.
Anonymous is a class A douchtard fuckface, no? Just like Brett Favre (don't get me started, jack.)
ANYWAY, on to what I really meant to comment:
I like how you had to hold onto your face before your first back-flip, like it might fly right off in a fit of awesomeness.
OK I think I'm done here now. I'm never getting behind on your posts again. Three posts, two drinks, one shower, and 2348235 comments later, I can finally get back to my vacation.
WAIT, SHIT, I said I'd email you about that anon thing!
(Why am I having this conversation with your comment box? I'm totally like this on people's voicemails, too. BYE.)
If you ever get to Utah to confront Dooce, give me a ring. We'll do sushi.
I can't believe I just spent like three minutes watching — no, being mesmerized — by some guy I don't know doing slo-mo backflips. I didn't watch it when you posted it before because, I must confess, I never watch people's videos. Well, almost never. I mean if they were doing something while they were on fire or some other really superfantastical thing, then I'd be obligated to watch. Anyway, I'm awed by your hypnotically mad skillz on the trampoline. But please, be careful!
I'm predicting 38,200 by end of day Monday.
I know you can do it.
I've never read Dooce, but I shall have to before I toss my lot in. I mean, really, I can't be on the losing side! What would that say about my reputation?
Dear BHJ-Love the post. Brave. The day I did a post about Heather and Jon on White Trash Mom, my book dropped on Amazon. Feel the power of Dooce...Be careful, mighty BHJ! Who the heck is Jenna?
May I just say that I liked you before I read this, but now I love you? If we both weren't already married, I'd have your babies. I think Dooce needs to get her panties out of a twist BIG TIME. Gah, I can't stand her!
Plus she was mean to a friend in front of a bunch of folks so she is way up on my Special High Intensity Training List.
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