It’s the bottom of the 9th and the tying run is on 3rd and my body is all clenched up like a jazzed up statue. Not a soothing museum statue that calms you and makes you reflect on a bunch of artsy stuff. I’m a crazed statue with bug eyes and my mouth half open and a bunch of other tense shit. I’m sending my most potent mental power waves through the air to Jackson. I am wishing so hard you can see wrinkles in the air like with gas fumes. I’m creating the future with the Powers of my Mind like some New Age Hippie: Hit the fucking ball, Jackson.
WHIFF. Strike 1.
I’m using the Jedi Mind Trick: You will hit the next ball Jackson. And proceed without question to first base.
WHIFF. Strike 2.
I’m begging our current monotheistic God in addition to the entire history of multicultural polytheistic deities: My Creator(s). Just as you formed the oceans and the sky out of Nothing, please pull a base hit for my son out of the formless Void. Amen.
WHIFF. Strike 3.
“YOU SUCK!” was screamed from the bleachers by a man named William Forrester, a man who is not so easy to please. I know this from personal experience. Anyway, “YOU SUCK!” hits Jackson’s ears and travels like a bullet straight to his heart and he shatters. It begins with a bunch of hairline cracks that form and spread throughout Jackson’s body until he starts to fall to pieces. Shattered Jackson fragments rain to the earth in a song of broken glass.
I stormed the field and asked the umpire for his little broom. “My what?” he squinted. “Your little broom! The one you sweep off home plate with you butthole!” He handed it to me all slow and apprehensive as if my son wasn’t a 1000 jagged little pieces scattered in the dirt. What a dick! I carefully swept Jackson up into his little baseball glove and shouted into the mitt like I was talking to someone with a hearing problem: “DON’T WORRY LITTLE MAN! I’M GONNA FIX THIS CRAZY SHIT!”
Jenna gets super pissed when I break the kids so I frantically examined all Jackson’s bits and pieces on the kitchen table. I had Super Glue and his 4th Grade picture to refer to, but he still came out looking like a fucked up Picasso. I crossed my fingers and waited for the glue to dry.
Have you ever watched glue dry?
When it’s your kid you just glued together?
It takes for…ev…………..verrrrrr.
It’s like waiting for water to boil times infinity.
Or it’s like when you’ve got a half hour of work and you keep looking at the clock.
It’s like that.
But trust me it DOES dry.
Eventually.
BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: Dude! Can you hear me? Your ear’s too close to your eye, but can you hear me?
JACKSON: Yeah. I can hear you. But Dad? What happened?
BHJ: Some dude said you suck and you shattered like glass.
JACKSON (looks startled and starts crying): I’m sorry. I’m sorry Dad.
BHJ: Jackson?
JACKSON: I can be tougher. I promise. I’ll be tougher. I’m sorry Dad.
BHJ (grabs the boy’s wrist): You listen here and you listen good Jackson Hockey Jesus! I won’t hear another word of that crazy talk. You WILL NOT become tough and insensitive and stupid. You’re perfect just the way you are. Well, your nose is kinda fucked. But it’s avant-garde. Cutting edge. Maybe your Mom’ll fix it. But you will not become some tough idiot. You're made of beautiful fragile glass, Jackson. Stay glass.
JACKSON: But glass breaks, Dad. Glass shatters and shattering hurts.
BHJ: Yes it does. Shattering hurts like hell. But all you need is some people who love you and they’ll be there to put you back together. That's what makes shattering worthwhile.
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100 comments:
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Have you seen that movie, Parenthood? There's a Little League theme that is similar to this.
I love that William F. was the hater in the crowd.
Sigh. I know this moment. It's hard for little ones. I'm glad you taught him the hard road (being himself), its so much easier to become a macho sell out. Each time I pick up the shards of my children, a crack develops in me...
I've had a few of those shattered moments...the pinewood derby comes to mind, which turned us off scouts forever!
I missed in your post where you punched that guy in the bleachers...please tell say you did!
(I'm normally a pacifist but who tells a 10-year-old they suck????)
What I meant to say way, "please tell me you did."
Little brain hiccup there,
but seriously, I would have had a hard time holding back on that guy.
My son is only three, but I've already been alarmed more than once by what some grown men think is acceptable to say to a little boy.
How good of you to stay focused on gluing your son back together and assuring him of the importance of being glass, instead of giving your attention to that shameless hosebag in the stands.
I'm so not looking foward to the moments that break my son's heart. I don't think my own heart could take it as well as you did.
So that never happened right? And it's not Jackson that you wish to remain made of glass, it's you. Ok then. I take back that thing I said about you making a suit of armour. Go be breakable.
I've been reading your posts since you started this thing, and this was my favorite. The imagery was solid. Then fractured. Then solid again. Get it?
Seriously though...Good stuff.
Very nice. The secret is- we're almost all made of glass. Some of us have the family to put us back together. Some don't.
You're making the family that does and writing it about it so nicely.
Good one, BHJ.
I don't even care about my shattered moments these days unless they involve my kids shattering. That's what parenthood does to you. Shifts the focus. It's TOUGH. But, you're right, I don't want a plexi-glass or plastic kid.
This was so well-written. I enjoyed it. You express yourself beautifully!
I'd have punched that guy in the face. Ok, maybe on the inside but I gauran-damn-tee you he'd have gotten a big ol' shut the fuck up.
I love what you told Jackson. But how would you handle a child that freaks and cries over everything? And I do mean everything, from not getting to eat at the restaurant he wants to being told he has to clean his room?
Brava! Poetic and fierce, great way to start the work week!
A very valuable lesson for your son. I'm sorry he learned it that way but I guess sometimes the only way to learn is the hard way.
Adults who act like that William Forrester at kids' games are the ones who deserve to be shattered.
I relate to that so much! Very nicely done! I hope someone really didn't shout that from the stands--but I guess it wouldn't surprise me.
Not looking forward to this bit of growing up. I'll bookmark this one so I'll have something to refer back to instead of sticking that broom somewhere else. Business-end first.
Gorgeous. I think you could get a posse together to rub out William Forrester.
\0/
and also
\m/ \m/
We have yet to experience any of those shattered moments. They scare me to death. Here's praying that we can put the kids back together like a Picasso too.
I just can't believe some asshole would yell that at a children's game. What a loser.
Just makes me think about my own tiny little creatures who will one day be shattered.
Can't even interpret yet. Too busy blowing Black Hockey Jesus.
I'll let you know when I recover enough from this post to go on.
It's where things get complicated, I guess. I try to remind myself that my son wants to be a whole person, free and independent and able to function on his own. I try to ask myself, "What would I want for myself?" instead of, "What sort of son do I want to have?" It's hard to think of our kids as humans in training. We want them to stay precious, but that's not always what they need? When we're done with our part they have to be complete humans, with intelligence and nuance and toughness and kindness and worldliness and all of those qualities we want for ourselves.
Hello, Black Hockey Jesus.
Oh, my. I was already an emotional wreck this morning (thanks to First Day of School), but this pushed me over the edge. Thanks for reminding me that they really can stay made of glass and that someone they love will always put them back together (fucked up ears and all)!
OH jeez I'm not ready for competitive sports. If someone yelled YOU SUCK at my kid I'd go apeshit and I'd be all "FUCK YOU" and then my husband would judge me for three hours and later I'd cry about it and feel like a jerkwad. I gotta work on that temper.
Jackson, you rule.
Oh, I've been posting about something similar over the weekend, this is so hard. You're such a good daddy. It's amazing that you can free him to see himself as valuable and special. You're a good daddy.
I'm so sick of William Forresters, that little bitch gets around.
OK BHJ....
I liked you before I read your post today, and secretly harbor a bit of actual resentment that you are really a great writer and I have little, I mean NO talent at all compared to your greatness!
I guess admitting that is the first step to recovery?
But, today, yes TODAY you became a damn "Dad Hero" in my heart. You really are a great dad and your kids will grow up to be the most balanced people in the world.
If more parents allowed their sons to be glass, the world would suddenly turn in the opposite direction and we could eliminate so much bullshit in the world.
You should write a "How to be a true Dad" book! You are great at it, flaws and all!
Dude - I'd-a punched that guy straight in the knards!
Yeah I said knards for lack of a more illustrative word.
Glad youstuck by and waited till the glue dried to tell your little one he was perfect just the way he is - glass and f'ed up nose and all!
Your talent is ASTOUNDING. And if Madness spelled astounding wrong she doesnt really care because she use to forge her mothers signature on third grade spelling tests.
Point is .. DAMN someone should be paying you!
Love,
Madness
You are loved, Black Hockey Jesus, and I see why. I love you for asking for the little broom. Jackson Hockey Jesus is in good hands. I want to be a dad like you.
Love,
Andrea
*Sob!*
That was an awesome post I feel bad for your little man.I'm positive I would have burned a hole through that jerks head with my eyes full of fury before I called him a total asshole.I'm glad you could control yourself.
The world would stop turning if there wasn't at least one fuckhead William Forrester in every little league crowd. Sit behind him next time and take one of those blow dart guns and everytime he opens his big ignorant mouth, nail him with a dart tip covered in asswipe remover. That should take care of him.
There are not enough words I could pull from the skies to say how much I dug this post. Seriously. I'm tempted to go yank my boys out of school right this moment and squeeze them. In front of their friends.
And if you'd chosen to use that ump's broom to shove the handle straight up William Forrester's ass, I'da been right there behind you to kick him in the balls with my cleats.
Stay glass, Black Hockey Jesus.
Kids are cruel, but sometimes their asshole parents are even worse. Thank you for not being that Asshole parent and keeping Jackson the same sweet 10 year old boy he is.
Poor JHJ. His mouth is probably where his ear should be. But you gave it your best shot. Screaming dude should be castrated and mocked in a courtyard.
Love it.. Love it! Thats all.
OK, this is my most favorite thing you have written ... EVER!!! Love it on so many levels. And there are so many levels and I appreciated every single one of them. Great, fantastic, looooooooved it! How's that for a morning blow job?
wow... two virtual blow jobs in the same morning. yr more of a rockstar than obama! where's the end of the line? can i join in?
seriously, i would shit in that dides hat where he wouldn't find it.
dudes not dides. damn vowels... where's pat sajak when you need him? vanna is pretty much worthless these days with her touch screen letters.
I don't understand how a grown-man (jerk-off) can yell that to a child. Hope someone beat the crap about of him in the parking lot. Yes, I'm mature.
Ugh! Those moments when you want to have your kids tough enough to take on life but you want them to be the fragile children that just need a hug or ask for a kiss to make a boo-boo better. Or call it a boo-boo at all. Cause the secret they don't tell you (and you wouldn't hear it anyway) is that the baby years are the easy ones. Parenting only gets harder from there.
You should have kicked Mr. Forrester in the shins. It tends to be a pretty effective way of beating him down and showing him what's what. I speak from personal experience.
If someone actually yelled, "You suck!" from the bleachers --which, let's face it, on this blog it could be totally made up. I'm really beginning to wonder if you aren't William Forrester, BHJ-- But, if some adult did scream that, then they should die. You do not heckle children.
Love this post.
Dude, after this round of comments, you must be sexually exhausted.
Beautiful, just beautiful
You obviously need to work on your Jedi mind tricks.
In the mean time, you can just teach Mr. Forrester to suck a fist instead.
That guy needs to be shattered and put back together as a 10-year-old and told to "try that growing-up-into a-decent-person thing again, buddy."
Or shot.
Great post. I hope Jackson believed you.
And what do you do when there's no one there to pick up the pieces??
My son is..um..sensitive. Actually, he is a whiney little bitch but I do love him. Anyway, my aunt's in laws always tell him to grow up and act like a man and stop being a baby. I finally had it one day last summer and yelled he is 3! He is a baby! Lay off. They never bugged him again. He is doing better. He was really giving it to my brother on Saturday when they accused him of being a Bears fan (we live in Packer country). The whiney little bitch really held his own.
That made me cry. I'm going to go take a pregnancy test now.
Also, I'm 99% certain it will come back negative. Which means, you sir, are an excellent writer.
This just proves I am going to be one psyCHOtic mother...
bhj...you are a goood dad
Aw Jesus, Jesus.
Dear Pams work,
Please excuse Pam for coming in with makeup smeared all over her eyes, again! She read the dang Black Hockey Jesus, again! coming in to work. Yeah sorry, again!
but I DID read it on my iPhone... nanana. great Forrester ref btw, I loves me some Sean Connery
Amazing post, BHJ. I love that there was a semi masked "stay gold" reference in there. I got it.
Wow. Beautiful.
Stay gold, Ponyboy!
Great. I mean that like colossal, huge, not like wow, great another blog post. I'm crying and dreading this moment and so, so hoping I can handle it as well as you did.
While the BJ offers are excellent, and the adoration towards your writing must be inspiring, the comments about being a great father are the ones I hope that drive you the most.
Your turning out to be one hell of a father and your examples will create a terrific MAN.
Thanks for expressing what some of us just simply can't.
That bastard William F. came to all of the soccer games I coached when I was 18. I had him kicked out of every single one. He waited in the parking lot, wanting to kick my ass every single time. Nice guy, wanting to bust up a teenage girl and shatter 10 year olds.
Don't worry about that Jackson. Y'all are keeping it real. Real glassy.
Could you come over after Jackson has completely dried and put together Princess, who similarly shattered after her karate instructor told her she kicks like a girl? Please......
Love the blog, first time visitor!
These are moments that I am not looking forward to. Unfortunately we can't keep them polished and protected forever, can we?
I'm a long-time lurker, but just gave you an award on my blog today!
some 3 pound hairless Korean boy told my son he had fat, hairy legs. He wore pants ALL SUMMER LONG. It kills ya' to see your kid break for the first time. I swear, one of his shattered pieces flew up and got me straight in the heart.
As the mom of a sensitive passionate baseball player, I salute you!!
Don't worry, Jackson, ninjas shatter too.
Although, usually it's because we've been run through a Tokamak (final exam at Ninja school) but we are emotionally sensitive too. It's part of being one with the universe.
Who's the man, now, dog?
That glue is crazy--it leaves fingerprints all over the glass.
I'm one of the Norwegians who came flooding in here this morning! I've been reading your archives ever since.
The fact-fiction debate here is probably SO last month, but I was just thinking as I read some of your stuff how fiction is often at least just as honest as 'truth' is. That's what pulled me into your writing, not so much the brilliant phrasings as the startling, raw, unprotected honesty that shines through them. It's rare to see even in quite personal blogs. You move me. I'll be coming back for more.
Poor Jackson. You might just be the best dad ever.
if i tell you i work for star wars, will you get a crush on me? :) lol
ps- did someone really fucking yell YOU SUCK to a kid at a ball game?!?!?! cause lord help me, i would have had that fuckers ass. i would have been in his face swearing up a storm and would have had to have been held back from bitch slapping him like the little bitch he is.
Beautiful moral - that's the great thing about being a parent. You can take a really fucked up situation and turn it into a learning experience and create a masterpiece of a person at the same time.
But the guy in the stands. Someone *actually* yelled that? Yeah, remind me to wear brass knuckles to each and every one of my girls' soccer games. I'm not going for that shit.
that was damn good. sniff, sniff.
Jackson,
You are and always have been a super, super special boy and I know that there are times that are a little tough.
You are so special and have so many people that love you dearly that you don't have to pay any attention to the jerks of the world.
Love always --Grandpa
Jackson,
You are and always have been a super, super special boy and I know that there are times that are a little tough.
You are so special and have so many people that love you dearly that you don't have to pay any attention to the jerks of the world.
Love always --Grandpa
Lucky Jackson, to have a dad who isn't trying to live vicariously. A shame that not all kids get that.
Hope you showed Jackson how to slash tires in the parking lot... sorry, the momma bear in me comes out on kids other than my own also...
Martie of
http://uncontainedchaos.blogspot.com
OK, so I was managing to hold it together - just a little wet around the eyes - then saw grandpa's post and now I'm a whole blubbering mess! This was the perfect "last thing I'm going to read before bed." Thanks!
Oh, well, just what I needed...another reason to sit here with a computer on my lap, sniveling.
Beautiful.
Shade and Sweetwater,
K
Stay golden Pony Boy.
Your son is just like I was. Shattering is agony but I've never seen it as a potentially good thing before. I think you handled that beautifully!
This slice of life brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for not instilling macho bullshit into your precious son's head. More fathers like you I beg the world...please.
I love the way you parent, fucking love it. You tell Jackson that broken glass makes BEAUTIFUL crystal.
BHJ - How do you do it?!? We were there, we were shattered and then you put us all back together. Oh. my. God.
I haven't commented in awhile because your posts usually leave me speechless and pondering.
Just wanted to let you know I'm still here, and still drinking your words.
Great post. Thank you.
And Jackson rocks.
Oh, please, please, please, say that you really let that guy have it! I have a very sensitive 10 year old, and have swept him up many times. I think I have put all his pieces back where they go...
I was shattered and I wish someone had given me that talk. Where were you BHJ when I needed you to kick my ass back to glass? WHERE WERE YOU? Oh right, I'm probably older than you so you were probably still in utero.
That writing, my friend, is why I read your blog...I am amazed at your writing and your daddying...
I just read this out loud to my husband. Fantastic
I'm just impressed with your super glue skills, as I bought some yesterday to fix my sunglasses and ended up super glueing my fingers to the lens.
It's not still there, in case you were worried.
Next time bring the super glue to the game and apply to W. Forrester's lips.
Sigh. I was all set to go to bed, now I'll be up all night wondering if you finally got his nose on straight. Poor little guy, I feel for him... I've got three boys, the oldest is 12, and parents can be such asshats. Most of them shouldn't be allowed at the game.
You took it were I least expected you to... I thought for sure when you brought up "THE BROOM", is was like that- all caps. Like you were gonna go sweep some parents sorry ass for sayin' what they did.
I like the way you handled it much better.
My husband worked his way up the ranks to the NHL.
That, however, never prepared me
for what I saw in children's sports, and it started with the parents believing they all had
Wayne Gretzky's sleeping in their
home.
I applaud you BHJ - I so wish
there were more games of pick-up
hockey, and less organized sports
at such a tender age.
I've seen way too many William
Forrester types, and I have to say,
I was thrilled when my son said
he had enough of competitive
sports - where he was always the
hero or the zero in the scary
position of goaltender. (he told
me when he was 7 he was BORN to
be a goaltender) . Scary. The ones I met professionally were just a
different breed ( I still can't
imagine having that puck flying
at me at such speeds, not to mention shoot-outs) Baseball always seemed like a 'nicer' sport, but again, parents get
too serious. What is the matter
with the Forrester dude ? Frustrated ex baseball wannabe -probably.
I really love seeing kids being
active in sports. I really cannot
understand how many parental units
go apeshit and think they are setting a good example, as I watched 7 and 8 year olds get picked for the 'best' teams.
You've done parents and sports
proud BHJ.
Wish more would follow your lead.
Kate
My husband worked his way up the ranks to the NHL.
That, however, never prepared me
for what I saw in children's sports, and it started with the parents believing they all had
Wayne Gretzky's sleeping in their
home.
I applaud you BHJ - I so wish
there were more games of pick-up
hockey, and less organized sports
at such a tender age.
I've seen way too many William
Forrester types, and I have to say,
I was thrilled when my son said
he had enough of competitive
sports - where he was always the
hero or the zero in the scary
position of goaltender. (he told
me when he was 7 he was BORN to
be a goaltender) . Scary. The ones I met professionally were just a
different breed ( I still can't
imagine having that puck flying
at me at such speeds, not to mention shoot-outs) Baseball always seemed like a 'nicer' sport, but again, parents get
too serious. What is the matter
with the Forrester dude ? Frustrated ex baseball wannabe -probably.
I really love seeing kids being
active in sports. I really cannot
understand how many parental units
go apeshit and think they are setting a good example, as I watched 7 and 8 year olds get picked for the 'best' teams.
You've done parents and sports
proud BHJ.
Wish more would follow your lead.
Kate
I would have made a shank out of a piece of glass Jackson didn't need, like his little toe or bellybutton, and I would have gutted William Forrester. But that's just me.
good stuff, man. I've never commented because I have blog-insecurity compared to you (mostly just documenting for posterity) but I gotta give u props on this one. hold true to preserving that innate soul your child was born with; not the one society tries to create.
This might be the best post I've read all motherfucking week. Stay glass indeed, little dude.
This is months and months late, but...
I wonder if this is what my mom has felt like while raising me, because it's how I've felt my whole life. It's like people are all clumsy bulls, and I'm a china shop. Sometimes I don't even know how much of me is me and how much is the glue.
Wow. Was that too much on our first date?? Anonymous posting it is!
Please mail me your eyes so I can glue them to my face and see like you for a few days. I'll send them back when I'm done.
maybe.
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